it's 4am again...

so on the 21st, after i came back from my friend's house, it was around 10:30pm, and i get a phone call. from him. i knew i shouldn't answer it.. but it was his friend's 21st birthday, so i partially hoped he was drunk (however early) and answered it. he was sober.

it was a pretty bland conversation because i didn't want to feel like things were normal.. because they're not.. assuming normal is us being together. eventually we got into some tough shit, and i ended up bawling my eyes out. what a terrible night. i wasn't just crying.. i was massively sobbing for a long, long time. i was doing so much better without talking to him on the phone or aim or anything.. i had made so much progress and with one phone call, he took it all away.

square one.

i spent the next day moping around my apartment, not leaving until 10pm to go to my friend's apartment for rootbeer floats and ocean's twelve. it helped, but i cried some more i am so weak. i don't know what my problem is! it's been 2 months.. not days or weeks.. months and i am still.. suck. i hope we will get back together, but know in my heart it's not going to happen. it think it just helps me cope a little easier.

it's like smoking, our relationship. i am trying to quit this serious addiction of over a year and a half of something i value over almost everything else in this world-- and it's tough. so, once in awhile, i have a puff or two. not all out smoking, even though that is what i really want, it is just a puff which reminds me of how much i love smoking. god, i am so pathetic. however, the only problem with this analogy is that smoking is evil and bad for you, and while talking to him after our romantic relationship is over is bad for me, he is not evil or malicious in any way. he is a beautiful and kind person, with a huge heart. i should never have taken that for granted.

i came upon a website that had some really, really good advice. i'm going to take it. today was the first day of the rest of my life, almost. you know, i think my problem these 2 months was that i couldn't get over him because i didn't want to. i don't want to get over him because he was such a big part of my life-- a beautiful, wonderful, loving part of my life and to admit it's over is to admit i'm incomplete.

before i start to get all sappy again, here are the 10 tips from so you've been dumped.com, a resource for those who have been dumped and though he did not not dump me (nor i him), those who mourn the relationship and want their former partner back are usually the dumpees. i feel like i've been dumped. the first rule is going to be the hardest, cruelest to follow. i have to try. it is my only hope for happiness.

1) Don't try to be their friend - make a "clean break"
2) Do erase their telephone number from your mobile phone
3) Do delete their old emails and their handle from your online "buddy" lists
4) Don't sit around staring at the mementos
5) Do use a journal or notebook to vent your pain, anger, frustration & so forth
6) Do spoil yourself
7) Do buy new bedding & change your surroundings
8) Don't rebound
9) Don't listen to the negative self-talk
10) Do take charge of your life - the world is your oyster

in future entries, i hope to address these issues and tips one by one. i actually would've written in here sooner and more frequent, but i want to begin to write for real-- the old fashioned way with a pen and paper. though this is a quick and easy way to get out much of my thoughts.

tomorrow i am going shopping in the morning with a close friend. afterwards, i plan on asking a (really, really good looking) friend of mine (not to mention an enemy of my ex) out to lunch. then possibly to todai's, where they are hiring experienced and non-experienced servers. i'm going to be packing a lot.

i'm getting more excited to get out of this place. memories of him and us are everywhere. he came with me to look at it before i rented it, helped me move in, gave me a spare bed, bought so many things together for here, and created so many memories here. although he was at my home so much more than at the apartment, he has not ruined my house with his memories. here, while i sit in my underwear in an inreasingly sparse and lonely apartment, all i am left with is my thoughts, and it really, really sucks. i can't wait to get a job, and then a new apartment and move on with my life. i will because i must.