holla! soo good! ;)

i am doing so good. i haven't talked to my ex in 2 weeks or e-mailed or anything! yes! the last time this happened.. he called. scary. i am really so proud of myself.. i deserve to spoil myself! well, maybe before i go to work tomorrow i will be. i can reward myself as the weeks go on!

it was weird talking to shauna about it at applebees because she never met him! and she hardly heard anything about it/him either so i couldn't like just sum it all up into one or anything!! i tried a little but there's only so much you can do without sacraficing what it really was you know? she was telling me how she realized that crushes were stupid and liking people were just getting in the way so yeah she doesn't do that i guess! she said it's been years since she liked someone and i thought.. gosh.. crazy. i liked.. no i loved him, i had a major crush on jamie (and acted upon it.. =P) and then miami too. i think they're people i liked.. yeah. them and luke since 2002 or 3. shauna said no liking then no pain. that's true. but then i thought of everything she wouldn't get to experience otherwise too. i guess without chances there aren't true risks and true rewards.

satc season 1 finale was good.

tips from an expert

here are some bad after-stuff about breaking up.

1)if youv'e broken up with someone (probably more like being dumped than being the dumpee), you probably at one point feel/felt that sense of unworthiness and fear of being single.. forever. like: "wow, i'm too ugly/fat/loud/rude/etc to be loved again" or "how am i supposed to meet someone (if i ever can get to that point which seems like never!)" or maybe "i wonder if can ever trust again" type of stuff. thinking like this isn't going to help you out if you're still enduring the 'lingering effects' of break-ups. if it happened before, it is possible, but not if your self-worth is that low.

quoting a good break-up website: "Remember, just because your EX may no longer find you desirable or want to be in a relationship with you, doesn't mean that no one else ever will. It just means your EX doesn't. So what? You are still you. You are still whole, complete and perfect just as you are and it will do you good to keep reminding yourself of that."


2)music. ugh. music you thought totally applied to you when you were in a relationship "i will always love you" or contain lyrics like "i would do anything for you" or maybe "as long as you love me" will now likely bring about sadness. sadness for the end of the relationship (if you're the dumpee), sadness because you can recall hearing that song and remember the time and place and how you so totally thought "wow, this is how i feel about so and so".. or it can just make you angry. so this leads me to the opposite kind of songs-- break-up songs. these include lyrics like "i hate myself for losing you" and "i never should have let you go" and let's not forget the infamous "breaking up is hard to do"! while these are nice when you first hear them, they are not giving you a positive message! perhaps you should listen to the angry break-ups songs.. unless that makes you sad too.

my advice is listen to something you can find that has no romantic connection in your brain to your past loved one, any romantic feelings, or anything that could potentially lead you to a breakdown in the car. instead, opt for lyrically mutual artists and songs. i think rap music is like that. guns, women and how big the rims on their cars are doesn't exactly make me think about love and relationships! however, to each her own.

while it is hard to find music that makes you not hurt, it is possible and if you are brave enough, maybe you can change the way a song used to make you feel about your ex, though the only way i know how to do this is belt it from your car as you are driving down busy people populated streets with a good friend.

it's 4am again...

so on the 21st, after i came back from my friend's house, it was around 10:30pm, and i get a phone call. from him. i knew i shouldn't answer it.. but it was his friend's 21st birthday, so i partially hoped he was drunk (however early) and answered it. he was sober.

it was a pretty bland conversation because i didn't want to feel like things were normal.. because they're not.. assuming normal is us being together. eventually we got into some tough shit, and i ended up bawling my eyes out. what a terrible night. i wasn't just crying.. i was massively sobbing for a long, long time. i was doing so much better without talking to him on the phone or aim or anything.. i had made so much progress and with one phone call, he took it all away.

square one.

i spent the next day moping around my apartment, not leaving until 10pm to go to my friend's apartment for rootbeer floats and ocean's twelve. it helped, but i cried some more i am so weak. i don't know what my problem is! it's been 2 months.. not days or weeks.. months and i am still.. suck. i hope we will get back together, but know in my heart it's not going to happen. it think it just helps me cope a little easier.

it's like smoking, our relationship. i am trying to quit this serious addiction of over a year and a half of something i value over almost everything else in this world-- and it's tough. so, once in awhile, i have a puff or two. not all out smoking, even though that is what i really want, it is just a puff which reminds me of how much i love smoking. god, i am so pathetic. however, the only problem with this analogy is that smoking is evil and bad for you, and while talking to him after our romantic relationship is over is bad for me, he is not evil or malicious in any way. he is a beautiful and kind person, with a huge heart. i should never have taken that for granted.

i came upon a website that had some really, really good advice. i'm going to take it. today was the first day of the rest of my life, almost. you know, i think my problem these 2 months was that i couldn't get over him because i didn't want to. i don't want to get over him because he was such a big part of my life-- a beautiful, wonderful, loving part of my life and to admit it's over is to admit i'm incomplete.

before i start to get all sappy again, here are the 10 tips from so you've been dumped.com, a resource for those who have been dumped and though he did not not dump me (nor i him), those who mourn the relationship and want their former partner back are usually the dumpees. i feel like i've been dumped. the first rule is going to be the hardest, cruelest to follow. i have to try. it is my only hope for happiness.

1) Don't try to be their friend - make a "clean break"
2) Do erase their telephone number from your mobile phone
3) Do delete their old emails and their handle from your online "buddy" lists
4) Don't sit around staring at the mementos
5) Do use a journal or notebook to vent your pain, anger, frustration & so forth
6) Do spoil yourself
7) Do buy new bedding & change your surroundings
8) Don't rebound
9) Don't listen to the negative self-talk
10) Do take charge of your life - the world is your oyster

in future entries, i hope to address these issues and tips one by one. i actually would've written in here sooner and more frequent, but i want to begin to write for real-- the old fashioned way with a pen and paper. though this is a quick and easy way to get out much of my thoughts.

tomorrow i am going shopping in the morning with a close friend. afterwards, i plan on asking a (really, really good looking) friend of mine (not to mention an enemy of my ex) out to lunch. then possibly to todai's, where they are hiring experienced and non-experienced servers. i'm going to be packing a lot.

i'm getting more excited to get out of this place. memories of him and us are everywhere. he came with me to look at it before i rented it, helped me move in, gave me a spare bed, bought so many things together for here, and created so many memories here. although he was at my home so much more than at the apartment, he has not ruined my house with his memories. here, while i sit in my underwear in an inreasingly sparse and lonely apartment, all i am left with is my thoughts, and it really, really sucks. i can't wait to get a job, and then a new apartment and move on with my life. i will because i must.

sympathize

my ex boyfriend of 2 months called me tonight. i knew i shouldn't answer it; everytime we've talked since we broke up, i end up crying and miserable-- not to mention my eyes are practically swollen shut.

i feel like talking to him just slows down the progress i have been making alone. without seeing him on campus, talking to him on the phone, chatting on aim, or exchanging e-mails, i am trying to move on, and heal. the minute i hear his voice, the depression starts again, and i just can't stop crying. it's like he's throwing a wrench in the gears, and now, i move backwards, degenerate.

i need to not talk to him. recenty inspired by another hapa blogger, i hope to not be in contact with him for awhile. and i mean it. although i did send him an e-mail about an hour ago, i don't want to hear his voice for a long time. and i mean it. finding the right balance for a couple of people who ended a year and a half long relationship for a normal friendship is going to be the most daunting task ever.

on the bright side, here is a conversation from my friend, and her younger brother, who had come up to stay with her for a day or so.
brother: are we hanging out with [me] tonight?
friend: i dunno. why?
brother: i dunno. she's a good bowler.
friend: do you like her or something?
brother: i think she's hot.

how flattering. he's not too shabby himself, although the high school and college gap is pretty wide, i like his curls.